If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one armless hand.

Be on the lookout for suspiciously-faceless family units. This is a classic terrorist ruse.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

Texas is radioactive. Stay the hell away from there.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If there is an attack, take your first-aid kit and get the heck out of there.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

If you hear Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

If all else fails, head on down to that hoochie-mama pad at the corner of Main and Broadway. You know the one.